And.....i'm gone.. =)

Bout damn time that high school is over.. i've been waiting for four years to be out of this hell whole. Ive definitely been different than other people, so my family tells me anyway. Ive been ready to go into the workforce for a while now.
I have my life planned out for me now, and i'm so ready to follow through with it now. I have Derek, the Army, and family and thats all i'll need. I guess i am kinda scared because someday i will realize that high school was actually easy. But missing it is a whole different story.. it just isn't happening.  I've been through too much in this damn school, enough to the point where people wouldnt believe half the shit thats gone on. But on that note =P.. I havent been this happy in a long time. I have my confidence back and i am not lettin shit get to me anymore.  I have my friends, and i have a head on my shoulders so life will hopefully work itself out for me.

I'm just done with bullshit drama that wont even matter anymore. idk, just too happy to care about little things anymore, if it doesnt have anything to do with me then dont count on me bein there to be a part of it. Im more than ready to move on, and forget high school totally.

Hahaha oh i think im gunna regret being this hyper, oh well.. i got me some coffee now... muahaha
 *Bug's life =D*

Disappointed

Everything in my life is this way, that way, up, down and side to side. its a confusing mess. And honestly, i'm about ready to give up on everything. My last post turned out to be nothing at all, and i still dont know how to feel about that. I went to drill last weekend, and i did have fun, but i cant help but feel like i'm missing something, and i dont know what it is.    Things in my life are turning to crap, and sometimes i wish i could hit the rewind button and restart my life.

Dont get me wrong, i have alot of good things going for me right now, but i have just as many bad things going on also. I dont know if i really want to explain it, but alot of my past is catching up to me. i feel like ive been running from something that is too inevitable. My family and friends have always been there to support me, but i dont feel like anyone has truely understood me. I want a life where i can completely forget what high school was like and the people in it. This is not something i want anyone to take personal, its just things that have happened in my past. Ive been ready for over a year to leave this place, and should have when i had the chance, but then again, if i had then i wouldnt be with Derek right now.

Thats why i'm slowly pulling away from everyone i know, because they remind me too much of the past. Yeah, i know, you cant run from your past, because it catches up to you, but i have a chance to restart my life, and im going to do so. Wether or not i have to start over and make new friends. People are suppose to look back on high school as one of the easiest things they've ever done, because it is easy. But not me, high school has been one of the worst things in my life. I'll never look back and wish i was still here, because everything in this school has messed up my high school career. I'm done caring about high school, and almost all the people in it. I'm done and ready to start a new life.

Didnt want to go anyways =p

Well as it seems, my military future is going to be put on hold for a little while.. *sigh* i guess its kind of a good thing because i didnt really want to go, i just felt that i needed to get a stable future for myself, and really.. thats not a good reason for joining the military knowing that you cant handle it and would probably fail anyway.

I know y'all are probably curious on how i could put my military career on hold, well all i gotta say is that 9 months from now, it wont just be me and Derek anymore. =/ yeah, you guessed it. I'm pregnant.. i still dont have the 'proof' i am, but at this point in time i dont need it. Yeah you guys are probably thinking "why would she post this on her blog?" Well its to let people know that its very easy to mess up a future in the military, but im not upset over it. Derek is still going in the military, and ill be home barefoot in the kitchen with a baby on my hip.. truthfully thats been my dream from the start.

I could have probably made it in the military, but it wasnt something i really wanted to do. it was only to get a collage fund out of it... which people.. seriously dont do it only for college, because i know someone that did and he absolutely hates being in the Army. As for me, i know that i have an okay future ahead of me. Its not what my family wants, but you gotta work with what God gives ya. and hey.. im still okay. Oh and fyi, i'm not ashamed of being pregnant, i dont care what people say, and frankly people that arent ashamed of what people think are the people with the most heart and the biggest pair of balls =p.

*Bug&Peguins 4ever* =D

People....suck

All i really want to say is that i cant wait to be done with the people in high school...
Everyone is so fake and immature. if there was a grow up button for people, i'd gladly help
push that stupid fucking button for them.

As soon as i walk across that damn stage, i will be gone forever... thank God! i just wish people would take the time to think before the say something to people. When you know you can filter your mouth, but choose not to, then you know your just like every other annoying person in this damn world.

People dont change and will never change, there are 40 year olds who act like they're in high school. All you gotta do is watch your back and dont trust a damn person with things that they WILL use against you.

nothing personal here, just stating facts and cant wait to be done with EVERYONE, in this damn school.. except Derek of course. =) k... thats my rant

Big steps =)

So yesterday i went to Fort Drum to "check in" cause thats where i'll be stationed. Its HUGE up there. My recruiter and I spent an hour getting lost.. fun right? nope. So i got fitted for my acu's. and also my dress greens. Now i just need my head fitted for a hat.  I felt so out of place being a new soldier without a uniform. Everywhere i went i saw soldiers and then family of soldiers who are on active duty.

Thats what brings me to my next topic. I have recently swayed Derek to join the Army with me. Recently as in today lmao =). Hes going to be doing active duty, and i am Reserve. So the plan is, that were getting married this summer. So far we only have the date set which is July 20th. =).  My plans are to save up from my summer job and get my dress, our license, and my family will help with wedding bands. Yes, some of you are like "get married out of high school? are you FUCKING NUTS!?>.<"  The answers yes. like i said in an earlier post. I do honestly love Derek, and hes someone that i share alot in common with so my question to you is why not?

Once we are married, i will be stationed with him, so we both will do alot of traveling, and then once we get out, we'll be able to get a house and get remarried. Yes yes sounds that easy in words right? well... its not, but were both willing to put up with each others shit all the time, i mean we live together, we dont get a break from each other except in school. So joining the Army will give us that distance time we need, and we will still be together.. make sense?... good =).

Im definietly stoaked to be in the Army Reserve. I have a wonderful future ahead of me, and i get to do what i love doing, which is playing with guns. I live by routine, and take direction very well, so i think i'll do very well in the Army. =D

Army Reserves

If you dont already know, i am going into the Army Reserves. i missed a day of school yesterday so that i could take my physical for it and get sworn in. The proccess is HORRIBLE!!, you get a full physical, and the doctors there are civilians, so they are trying as hard as they can to disqualify you from the military? Why would they do this you ask?.... beats me. But i qualified, and i am now enlisted in the Army.

i never knew quite why i wanted to enlist, it just seemed like a really awesome thing to do. i love guns alot, and i cant wait to be training with weapons of all kinds. =) i cant wait to learn my rifle inside and out, and we are timed at how fast we'll be able to take our rifles apart, clean them, and then put them back together. I cant wait for that challenge... but there is one obstacle that is going to terrify me to death (well, i hope not death). thats the Grenade... i hate explosives, and i am so afraid to go near them. What i'm hoping to get out of this, is the safety and proper use of Grenades, that way i dont blow myself to smitherines.  

i dont know how long i really want to enlist for, but my contract says 8 years, and i am okay with that. Basic training is every future soldiers biggest fear, we all want to pass it and have our parents see us graduate. There is no doubt in my mind that i will try my hardest to do so.. Oh and interesting fact here:
* I am the only woman from homer enlisting in the military!!*
          -I highly recommend women that love weapons and are not afraid to get down and dirty to think about the military!!

ok, thats my rant =D

Ordinary People

So were reading ordinary people in english and so far ive only gotten through the first 4 chapters.
Its a pretty alright book, but i really hate the perception change.

S'not much to really say about it other than the son Conrad tried to committe suicide and his older brother Jordan had already died, and Calvin the father is having a meltdown being a father, and the mother Beth plays tennis. i guess thats pretty damn ordinary these days, people committing suicide, and fathers leaving because they cant handle the damn responsibility.

The Military

So in the past two weeks, i have decided that i'm going to join the military. Its a very big decision and frankly i still dont know if i can really do it or not. But i have 4 days to decide. I first got caught by an Army recruiter in school on my way to my locker and asked me if i was interested in joining the Army. I first said that i wasnt but then he asked why... and well i guess my reason wasnt good enough because he convinced me that i should get more info on it and atleast take the ASVAB to see what jobs i might apply for.

Well, i went to take the test and i passed and will be ranked as an E1. That of course is what every soldier goes in as. But i'm going to be going into the Army Reserves and dont have to do active duty. I'll also be going through National Guard so i'll eventually rank as a Cadette. I would first off leave in september for basic training which is stressing me out the most. If i dont know whats going to happen i dont usually do it. I learn to expect the unexpected, but if its unexpected, im not really expecting it. Get it? kinda? well thats how i feel about it. I live by routine, which is actually an advantage for me as that basic training falls in the category of a routine event. Basic training is really stressing me out because i dont know if i can get myself in shape enough to make it through.. If i were to fail basic training i wouldnt be able to get my self-esteem intact again... like theres really any there, but thats besides the point.  I'd really like to hear from everyone what they're opinion is and what i should do to help myself prepare.
*Bug*

Earlier!

Okay so one of my blogs titled "Seriously>.< F you too" was about how my grandma continues to make my life a living hell. Well in that blog, i had gotten on the topic that i had moved out of my parents house to live with Derek. Hmm you may think that its a stupid move, or "know", yes i put it in quotes because of the people that think they know everything. Well, living with Derek and his family has actually helped me alot more to move along with my life. I love Derek so much and really care about him, and i definitely see him and I having a future together.

I am thinking about going into the military, and i am supported 100% where i'm living now, where as when i'm with my family, they are always doubting me. Dont know about you, but i cant live with family that think i'm not able to do anything on my own. Some of you may know that i also have a ring on my left hand.. and yes, Derek and I are engaged. Call us stupid or whatever, but i'm not planing to leave Cortland County anytime soon, and this town is full of idiot people that arent worth my time, but marrying Derek makes all the difference. I dont care if people say that i have my "whole" life to find someone, well i didnt need to look my whole life, and who would want to take the time to find someone capaitable when that person has been next to you the whole time. =) Derek and I are still planning to go to college, and save money to find an apartment together. So dont be too quick to judge that its 'stupid' to marry so young. One day, Derek and I will be sitting on our porch, old as hell, smiling because people wont believe that we made it for so long, and that my friends is what love really is. As for our tatoos, yeah getting each others name was a little impulsive and maybe a little dumb, but its only stupid if you know you'll regret it later. Me? nah.. if it happens to be that me and Derek dont end up an old couple on our porch, i'll still look at my tatoo and smile because he changed my life in such a good way and hes worth remembering when i'm old and gray, =)

*Bug*

Would I dare recommend this?!?

This book is most definitely worth reading. It captures the reader from the very beginning. Personally i hope that there are more books made like this trilogy. I'm pretty sick of the vampire stuff. But anyways, its definitely different than your everyday sparkly vampires and messed up romances.

Blood Rose would be a great read for anyone who likes constant action and mythical creatures like flaming wolves. I forgot the name of them in the book, but they are what created the Guardians. Although it is sometimes hard to keep the characters straight because so many are introduced to the trilogy, but still eye catching anyway.

Whats better about this series is that it keeps you on your toes. Its not like an average action packed movie where you know whats going to happen next, there are twists through out the whole book. On a scale of 1-10 i would rate this an 8.5, yes its an amazing read, but i have read better books, but that's because i am biased about what i read. So if you're sick of the vampire stuff and predicting movies all the time, i suggest you read this book!

Book Review

So its taken me a while to finish Blood Rose. But i made it through it. There isn't a part in this trilogy that is boring, and i think that's why once i start reading it, its hard to put it down. The first two books are definitely a montage of foreshadowing about this last one. The first book is called Nightshade, and the second book is called Wolfsbane. Blood Rose starts off with Calla rescuing Ren from a bad decision, but you already know that from earlier blogs.

Blood Rose has a very different way of portraying animals and their instincts, the animals being the wolves. Wolves are natural pack animals and fight together. Two packs don't combine in reality, because there would be two alphas. Alphas fight for the upper hand and will fight to the death for dominance and leadership. In this book, the two alpha packs have been mixed, but not exactly combined. The wolves have joined forces with the searchers because they had been lied to all their life about who were the real enemies. The wolves being called the Guardians because there purpose was to guard from enemies and run boarder patrol. Calla plays an interesting role in this book because she plays a role model for other guardians and is greatly admired by the Searchers.


The overall theme here would be courage, honesty, and trust. Shay being another guardian, and also the Scion who is the most important to defeating the Keepers. He must defeat the leader of the Keepers and save his parents from the hold that the Keepers have on the guardians. Not only that but he must go on quests to find pieces of the Elemental Cross. The Elemental Cross are a pair of blades that can only be held by the Scion.
It takes courage to face some of these dangerous quests, honesty to be able to communicate with one another, and trust to be able to put your life into a sworn enemies hands.  

Plot Summary

So to go further into detail about how great this book actually is i'm not going to give away too much until i write the review next. Its a huge battle between Guardians, Keepers, and Searchers. Once under the Keeper's eyes, the Nightshade pack, lead by Calla turned against them, and joined forces with the Searchers. In order to conqure this battle, the guardians must help the Searchers obtain the Scion's weapons. Without the swords, the keepers and their dark creatures called wraiths cannot be defeated. Scion being Shay, who is in love with Calla is also a guardian, and a searcher. Ren being the alpha of the Bane pack is meant to continue his back by an arranged marriage with Calla, so the link thats still there has Calla in a rut about who she cares for the most. How are the guardians and the searchers going to win this battle if they cant keep their emotions in tact. And yes, there will be casualties.

BloodRose

Okay, so intead of doing couple chapter incriments, im just going to put it all in one blog before i have to put the final plot summary up. ive been working my way through the book, and i find the book really interesting. After Calla persuades Ren to go with her to the Searchers Acadamey, all hell breaks loose between Shay and Ren. After getting the situation under control and explaining why Ren is there, they start forming plans to capture the next piece of the sword. After successfully capturing it. Calla leaves to clear her head about the situation with her, Ren, and Shay. Well i really dont give a crap about that part because im just in a bad mood today. But yeah she sleeps with Shay and makes out with Ren in the co-ed showers.. bleeh. Now Calla has to try to get Ren and Shay to work together to retrieve the last sword. Two alpha males in the same pack... Hmm never usually works..

Seriously>.< F you too!

Ok i had started writing about my outside reading, saved it and logged off... and now its gone again... WTF!? ugh. Today is not my day. But then again i'm having way too many bad days lately. My grandma fucked this day up. Yes people, i hate my grandma. Why dont you meet her and see why! Its a very long story and maybe blogging about it will help relieve some of this pent up anger, but.. idk maybe not.
My grandma ADORES my ex boyfriend. Like.. replaced me for him pretty much. See anything wrong with this yet?? His name is Zeke... i almost said was cause i have literally wished him dead sometimes.. My grandma and i used to be very close until i decided that Zeke needed to go. Yea.. well.. Thats when Derek came along. There wasnt any other guy in this school that could make me think about dating in high school again until i met Derek.. Well... When i had told Zeke, he refused to believe i was dumping him, and would literally tell me that i will not dump him.. Seriously? He was fucked up in the head. So my grandma would always say that i had to do it in person.. which i really dont care, its respectable to say it to a persons face. but when i'm afraid to get near Zeke, wouldnt that put alarms up for my grandma? Nope.

 So i told her i was going to take someone with me.. she told me i better not take Derek, what do i do? i take Derek, and i'm still glad i did. But Zeke wasnt, and he ended up calling my grandmother, and thats when i got my truck taken away. And thats when she immediately hated Derek, and still hates him. Well, about the time that school started, Derek and I became officially engaged, and talked about me moving in with him. Which i'll explain later. Well, around my 18th birthday, we had it set for October 22. So when that date rolled around, i packed my stuff and i left. My mom is still hurt, but i love my mom and i still go see her, and i am concerned about her. But when my effing grandmother E-mails me, to emotionally blackmail me, thats unacceptable. She has been doing this since i moved in with Derek, i dont regret it because it has been better for me, and i have been in contact with my mom. Just because i moved out, doesnt mean that i did it to hurt my family. But my grandmother sent me an e-mail today saying that i need to grow up and stop thinking about myself. She had the backbone to tell me that i never cared about my mom and that i'll never amount to anything. Really? whos older here? I have put up with my grandma too long, and when everyones telling me not to turn my back on my grandma..THIS happens... No.. i'm done. Laters blog will be about Derek and I. Because i know you peoples are curious.  ='( sometimes i just want to give up and agree with my grandma.

BloodRose

BloodRose is the book that i'm reading and its part of a trilogy. I love these kind books because of the action/romance =) Chapters 1-3 were all about Cala, an alpha wolf finding Ren, who was suppose to be her mate and join forces to defeat the Keepers. While Cala is off finding Ren, her boyfriend Shay doesnt know whats about to happen and when he sees Ren he gets defensive... oh did i mention, Calla kinda whores around in this book with both Ren and Shay. Yeah, not suprising. Well, anyway. As soon as Calla and Ren are back in the territory of the seachers, a plan goes into affect to get the Scions swords..the Scion being Shay. I like the fact that they all work together despite their differences. Calla and Ren grew up thinking that the searchers were their enemies when in fact they were tricked all along.. (dun-dun-dunn)=P
I'm almost done with the book, i just have to finish off a couple chapters and i'll put more on here about the rest of the book =D.

WolfBane Series

Okay, so i'm really excited that Spalding approved of this outside reading book... but is actually a trilogy. Its not your average wolves and other creatures kind of book. This series has three main groups of people. The Searchers, the Guardians, and the Keepers. The Keepers are people who have stolen two powerful swords from the Searchers, and tricked the Guardians into fighting the Searchers, now when i say tricked, i mean that the Searchers and Guardians are meant to fight together not against each other. This girl named Calla, isnt exactly thrilled with having her life planned out for her, but as a guardian, shes meant to fight and protect her pack. All until she meets Shay. Calla saved him from being attacked by a bear and later finds out that he is now attending her school... which is kept under survalliance(spelling??) by the keepers. Well, she ends up having a connection to him, even when she finds out hes a searher. Well, she is suppose to marry Ren, who is alpha of the Bane pack. While she is alpha of the Nightshades, but shes not exactly sure if she wants to marry a manhoe like him. Well... lets shorten this up a bit.. Calla is ordered to watch over Shay so that nothign happens to him, and ends up turning him into a guardian when a life threatening encounter happens. Thats when Shay finds a piece of the missing swords, and is the only one able to hold the piece. Hmm.. ill leave more details for another blog =)

Yes!!... I know... Depressing.

To explain the poem following this, i would just like to explain that my family has a history of depression and anxiety. My mother having a case of situational depression, and my grandmother, as ecentric as she is, has high level anxiety. Well.. guess whos the lucky one and gets the dominate genes.. yep me. I have many anxieties of everyday life, and high level of depression. It's not something i'm ashamed of, and i dont believe anyone like me should be ashamed of it. So whenever i feel down.. i write depressing poems to express to other people how i'm feeling in a context that i can show people. So well... here it is..

         Pain comes to me naturally..
         everyone around me causes pain,
         Like knives stabbing me in every direction,
         Everytime they walk by, they kick the breathe out of me...

         Too late to shield myself from it,
        I walk head on into the suffering,
        Suffocation is familiar, and almost comforting.
        Little by little, parts of me are disappearing,
        I feel the darkness caving in on me.

        I can barely make it through the day,
        I cant escape the painful hold you have on me,
        Inhaling and exhaling the pain.
        I hate everything you do to me.

        You've never seen me at my weakest
        and you never will either.
        Tears will fall constantly, into the arms
        of the only person i can trust.
        Theres a choke hold around my heart..
        It'll always be painful as long as they're around.

The Lion King, duh!

   Yeah, my first post is about the lion king! Its my favorite movie of all time and will always be my favorite movie. And no, not just because of Tamone and Pumba, but because thats how i got my first nickname, Bugs. Yeah weird nickname, but it used to be lady bug, which was just down right embarassing!
     It started when i first watched the lion king, i looked up at my dad and I asked "Do lions really eat bugs? and are they really cream filled?" My dad said they didnt eat bugs, and i was disappointed because i really wanted a pet lion cub. Well, after i watched that movie i started seeing alot of lady bugs around the house, and i'd be so happy because i thought the lady bugs were from the movie, but sadly, i grew out of that phase lol. =)  Thats how i got the name lady bug, well... i grew outta that phase too. I became more of a tomboy and loved playin in the garage when my dad was working on cars, and i would pretend that i was working on a car too.. thats when my name changed to Bug.. and still love the nickname today =).
Oh, and i'm still watching the Lion King every chance i get. hehehe.
-Bug (=